Derailed by Jordan... and beginnings and endings

OK, it's not an excuse at all, but the reason I've been so bad about updating? Robert Jordan.

Yes, I just finished reading 13 of the longest fantasy books ever written. I embarked on this journey near the middle of January. It hasn't been nonstop, I was frustrated for a few weeks while waiting for the other people using the Peterborough Library to get their slow butts in gear, then I circumvented them by downloading a couple and reading them on the computer, thus jumping ahead and finishing the last 6 books one after another over the past 3 weeks.

Am I proud of myself? A little. These books are freaking huge, and I've meant to restart and finish the series in one fell swoop since I read the first 8 books on Katimavik....

However, I am only a little proud. While consumed in reading I've managed to neglect many of the daily tasks I'd promised Phil I would accomplish, as well as falling out of touch with my friends... my Rosie-free time was caught up in reading the series.

Plus, the biggest slap in the face? There's another book that's not coming out till January of 2013. I STILL haven't finished the series, although I closed the thirteenth book just 20 minutes ago.

What does this have to do with Micah and my pregnancy? Well, this has been the biggest distraction from the whole thing, I think.... it's like I awoke from a stupor today and realized that in somewhere between 3 and 5 weeks I'll be holding my son...

Another thing I realized is that I'm going to miss him! Not the bloated feeling and the sharp pain of my pelvic region stretching, or hobbling like an old woman, or not being able to eat like I want to, always feeling hungry until suddenly I feel OVERFULL and then I'm hungry again an hour later (an hour of feeling bloated and tight like a cow I once saw who'd eaten too much clover and died from the gas...) I won't miss any of that.

But feeling him twitch and kick, and yes sometimes even clobber my abdominal muscles from the inside so that I want to yell or try to push him back into place.... (my side is NOT meant to stretch like that! My ribs are NOT your plaything! and why do I feel like that unfortunate person in Alien???)

I'll miss even that! I'm gonna miss his hiccups, and his twists and turns, and I'm going to miss standing and singing in church with my hands on my belly, feeling closer to God because I've got my own miracle...

Logically I know I'm going to be able to hold him and watch him sleep and dress him and clean up those sticky black poos and introduce him to and protect him from Rosie, and I know this is the beginning of actually getting to know the man that God has sent for Phil and I to raise... This is such a beginning! But there's song that says every beginning is some other beginning's end... and I've always felt that keenly.

Especially since we are undecided as to whether this will be my last pregnancy, but I suspect it may... We are looking for God to expand our family, but it may well be that His expansions will no longer require my physical incubation...

so while I rejoice in the immanent arrival of yet another male to whom my heartstrings will be hopelessly bound(as if I don't have enough brothers and dear friends who already hold me, not to mention Phil) I can't help but feel the bite of losing the intimacy, and the mystery that pregnancy represents.

If there is a next time, I think I'll let it remain even more mysterious, not just to have something more to look forward to on that day (I actually feel more comfortable not adding reasons to want to rush him out... trying to avoid the allure of induction this time) but because mystery is an inherent part of pregnancy, and it's a thrilling one.

I suppose I can even see the thrill in not knowing if this will be my last pregnancy or not.... there's always going to be a question mark on the horizon, until God, or Phil's bravery, takes it off for good. I do love a good question mark. What's a road without any bends? Driving in the prairies was so much more fun in the dark.

Maybe I'm coming to another end, but the road still goes on just past the headlights... and who knows? The adventure continues.... Ironically, the Wheel of Time books continue as well.... We'll see where we are in January of 2013, shall we?