Down the rabbit hole

I've been feeling a little off lately, so on Wednesday morning, February 12, when I was handed the little guy I babysit and the smell of his hair almost made me gag, I began to have suspicions. I messaged Lee and asked her if she had a spare pregnancy test. She, in turn, headed straight out to buy me one on her way over.

She showed up.

I peed.

Nothing.

We sat in the living room and looked at each other for a bit. Are you disappointed? She wanted to know. No, not really, more relieved.

She looked at me. 

OK, maybe a little disappointed, but definitely relieved too, we're not exactly planning... We chat for a little while as the kids play, and she gets up for a moment to respond to Ari's call, and walks by the bathroom. "Um, Bekah? Sit down."

I'd left the test on the counter, apparently I was a little too impatient for that result. Now there were two lines.

"How do you feel?" ... shock. God decided that now was the time, and His way is always best, so I've gotta trust what He's doing. And a part of me, always, no matter what, thrills at the idea of another baby. I can't imagine not being excited, not wanting to meet that person, to find out what his/her personality, life, is going to be about. Frankly, I'm over-the-top, out-of-my-mind happy about this tiny life.

The hesitations came from our season, we are stepping out of a particularly difficult one. One that we have been in for over a year, and only felt truly free of for about three weeks. Father, your timing is best. Give us strength to stay the course, give us love to depend on and rest in, and thank you for the months ahead where we have time to prepare and re calibrate in the face of this change.

There is also bittersweet as we are slowly discovering how things will be for another baby in our lives. We are watching test results and struggling to understand what they might mean for her life. Struggling to see God's hand, to amend expectations and sooth broken hearts. Oh Father, the ache of love and pain of loss... Step in, your healing is sorely needed!

Baby, you are here at a tumultuous time of life, but isn't that true of us all? Father, thank you for this precious gift, this joy in the midst of turmoil.

Welcome baby. Welcome nausea. Welcome sore back and chronic exhaustion. welcome "why do I have a tummy ALREADY??!" and "Seriously, that's all? But I had to pee SO BAD!!"

Down the rabbit hole once more!