food, snow and hope.

I don't know what's going on with me and food lately. I don't have any interest in cooking, I always feel hungry, but I never actually want to eat any of the food that's around.

I wonder if I've gained any weight yet... I've been the same exact weight with every check up, but I feel like I've been eating more lately. I should be interested in food, I know I'm hungry! But what I really want is to go out for dinner.

Today is the second snow, Rosie was actually outside for the flakes falling this time :) It seems to be sticking for the moment, but I don't think it'll last yet. We've been decorating for Christmas already, and I've been looking at the first ornaments we got, back when we were thinking of having kids. They are three little stockings, One a little different from the others. Rosie has the first one, and the other two are still waiting. I'm going to give another to Micah. The third.... I think it's my hope. When I was first pregnant and sick, Phil said he never wanted another pregnancy. It would be too hard on us.

I can live with that, but part of me doesn't want to. I don't want this to be the last time I feel a baby kicking inside me, and I don't want this to be the last name I give to a child. I know I'll love other children, I'll hold other babies, whether for months or years, but I do want one more of my own. I do want another pregnancy. Secretly I'd hoped this would be twins... then it would be OK for me to stop.

Oh well, there's on little stocking, holding on hope for me.

tired...

Well, we just finished having Rosie's second birthday party, and having a visit from Martine. She's Phil's sister who's been living in Japan for the past few years.

The birthday party went very well, it was tea-party themed, and I made a nice moist chocolate cake with gooey cookies-n-cream pudding and whipped-cream icing. However, Micah still doesn't like it when I eat too many sweets, so I ended up with a bit of a tummy ache last night.

Sleeping is becoming increasingly uncomfortable, and I'm beginning to think that he'll be waking me up at night with his kicking pretty soon. That's something that Rosie never did... he's definitely an active one. Right now it feels like he's turning somersaults inside me!

Martine's visit was awesome, although it illustrated to me how tired I am and how little I get done. She's just like Phil, never stops moving. lol. I'm not like that naturally, and this kid saps my energy like crazy, so I'm always exhausted lately.

However, it was awesome watching Phil with his little nephew, Noah. Plus, I kept thinking what a great pair Noah and Micah are going to make... even their names work well together! It's so awesome that the cousins are going to have others around their age... I always felt a little alone, age-wise, in my cousin group.

I am so ready for my little guy! It's crazy to think I still have 4 months to wait. 23 weeks yesterday! :D

I'm tired.

Nesting and thinking...

I'm so into nesting right now! Since we don't have our own place, it can be a little tough at times... but I've tidied Mina's living room and put a bunch of photos up on her near-the-ceiling shelf, and if I get the energy I can't wait to go through all her kitchen cupboards and help weed out the things she does and doesn't use, her cupboards are pretty small, so everything's pretty crammed.

Also, I've been picking things up for Micah everytime I go to a thrift store.... I have a whole bunch of cute little cargo pants and cool looking T shirts... I found a onesie that has Packman on it and says "Eating Machine".... Plus, one of Phil's Uncles just came by with a whole bunch of donated baby clothes that I went through and I've now got lots of stuff for him! Not quite as much as I had for Rose, but almost there. I've been having a great time sorting through, separating what he'll wear from 0-6 months and what he'll be using 9-12 months, and I even have 1/2 a box of stuff for 12m - 3 years.

Today is Rose's 2nd birthday. She'll be a big sister in 4 1/2 months. Sometimes I'm a little nervous, because this is almost exactly the age difference between Ben and I, and things weren't always sunshine and roses there... I'd hoped they'd be a little closer together. However, I think it has a lot more to do with personality than with positioning, and a girl as the oldest will change the equation again. Plus, if things turn out between them as adults the way they've turned out for Ben and I, then I've got nothing to worry about. I'm definitely blessed with my brother now, even though it wasn't always that way, and I'm sure he'd say the same about me :)

It's crazy to imagine my children growing up together... they're going to have such a different childhood than we had! Not just different situations, but the technology available.... I saw a commercial last night that made me want to cry. Mobigo is basically an iphone for kids, except without the communication capabilities. It's a touch-screen gaming system with coloring options and puzzles and picture taking.... What happened to interacting with the real world? They called touch-screen coloring ART??? I'm sorry, but no.

never.

Uh uh.

I want my kids to live their lives, and use technology. Not to live technology and avoid their lives.

Sorry Micah, Rosie, you guys are going to hate me, but there will be limits on screen time in my house. And I'm not buying you a thing. Uncle Ben and I researched and purchased our first game systems at 10 and 12 years old, you'll be just fine doing that as well.

Mean Mom Alert.

Introspection

I've been wondering lately if it's going to be harder raising a boy than a girl... I always used to think it would be easier, but I've considered two of the main reasons why I always thought that, and I've come to see that they are actually deceptive.

1. Boys don't get pregnant (this was directly from the mouth of my father, when I asked why parents were more protective of girls than of boys)

2. Boys are less dramatic than girls

First: Pregnancy

In response to boys not getting pregnant, I've decided it is much worse from a parental aspect that they can get other people pregnant. Consider this, a young girl has a LOT to lose if she becomes pregnant. She has at least 9 months of her life completely altered, and possibly the rest of it as well. There is a huge deterrent for girls to be careful with the whole getting-pregnant thing. Boys, on the other hand, don't have that natural consequence. Sure, if they care about the girl they will stick around, and the rest of their life could be affected too, but what happens if it was a short relationship? Say it's over even before the pregnancy comes into the picture? Worst case scenario, as far as he's concerned, his life doesn't have to change at all.

Now I know that a lot of that is already ruled out by a loving, nurturing upbringing. Hopefully without me making any special effort over and above basic parenting, my son would have more consideration and care than to live out that worst-case-scenario. However, it will take special effort and conscientious attention to teach my son the honor and respect I want him to have for women, and for children. I suppose I'm falling into the trap of believing that boys naturally feel less love and empathy toward others, which I'm sure in my head isn't true... but sometimes I wonder. Can I instill enough empathy into my son(s), enough respect for honor and righteousness? They have a great example in their father, but between the two of us I know I'll be doing a lot of the talking. I'm just praying God will provide me the words, and that He will guide my boys through the situations that I'm sure they'll never tell me they are in.

Next: less drama.

K, first of all I already know this isn't exactly true... one of my younger brothers had plenty of drama throughout his elementary-school friendships. However, if I think back, that's because his friends were all girls.

The reason that boys being less dramatic in general is actually a scary thing for me, can be seen in the movie "Cheaper by the dozen". I'm not planning to have 12 kids, I'm not exactly that crazy, but I have firsthand experience, being from a family of 6 kids for a while, that you don't have to have 12 kids for some stuff to fall through the cracks. If you remember in that movie there was a little redheaded boy who was quietly miserable and lonely in the middle of his busy, bustling family. In the end, he ran away from home and the family realized how upset he'd been and rallied around him and it was all good and happy, blah blah, family values. But that's not the real world. Sometimes if you miss a critical moment of emotion, or of need, you can't get it back. Not every slight can be covered by an outpouring of love that comes too late.

What if my less expressive boy is in pain, deep pain, and I miss it? I don't want my little guy to be scarred because I'm too caught up in life, and he's too quiet for me to hear above the noise. I do want a big family, and I know that there are always some consequences to the kids, along with some benefits, but I'm praying and praying that somehow the consequences won't be lastingly painful. I think if I work hard enough at relationship with each child, boys or girls, hopefully I won't miss anything big, but boys being inexpressive at times is definitely a detriment to be overcome in a large family.

All my life I've wanted to be a mother, and not just because I think babies are cute. I want to be a mother because I truly believe that God has given me a calling for it, and that there is important work I can do as a mother. I want to be a mother so that I can raise up my children in love and righteousness, so that lives will be blessed through them.

It's exciting, and so scary. I'm only human, I can't be perfect, but I want to be perfect for my babies. I want to be perfect for the teenagers I see in their futures, the one I sometimes glimpse in Rosie's face. I don't want to be perfect without making any mistakes, but perfect in that the mistakes I make will be examples to them of how to handle mistakes. I want my mistakes to teach them to forgive when they need to forgive me, and teach them to be human and strive to be their best with good attitudes, but not to give up when they mess up.

I just don't want my mistakes to harm them. And that's what's so scary, how easily that can happen. Jesus, be the healer, hold my children close when I can't, wipe away the tears that I miss, whisper into their hearts the words that I fail to say, or that come out wrong.

Hello Micah!

So we got to see our son today! He was incredibly active through the entire ultrasound, putting the energy he drains from me to good use I suppose.

I am so thrilled! I can't stop grinning when I think of him. I would have been this thrilled about a girl too, I'm pretty sure, but man am I excited for this little guy! I know it's silly, but I get to call him by name for the next few months..... it's so great!

Originally I was having trouble choosing between Rijk (pronounced Rike) and Regent, one of my dad's middle names, but Rijk is a family name on my mom's side, and it has more meaning I think. I kind of feel like Rosalie is already a tribute to my dad, since he loved yellow roses and she is a Rose whose birthstone is yellow. I don't know if I'll have another baby, and I don't want to miss the opportunity to use Rijk. It was my mom's father's name, and it's also a middle name for one of my cousins.

I'm going to have a son! Micah Lawrence Rijk Duprey. I couldn't be happier!!!

Hello baby! We'll see you!

I couldn't sleep last night I was so excited! We get to see the baby for the first time today, my first (and only) ultrasound! We'll even get to know the sex, if *he* decides to cooperate.

Phil and I talked late into the night, he was saying he'd rather have the surprise because he loved how with Rosie it was so exciting, to be surprised. I thought about why I want to know this time, and there are two reasons. I suppose one reason is that I wasn't really of sound mind when Rosie came into the world, and my joy was kinda suppressed by the fact that I was puking and couldn't move anything below my neck. It's all kinda surreal still, when I think back. I think because of that I want to know more abut my baby when I have the time/energy to enjoy it, when I have the physical capability to jump up and down and get excited.

Another reason is that with Rosie, I knew it was a girl. I mean, I always knew it was a 50/50 chance and I could totally, definitely be wrong, but somewhere inside I just knew. I knew her name was Rosalie, and I knew she was a girl.

This time I just have the strongest feeling it's a boy, but I keep wondering if I'm right, and I'd love to know whether I'm right or not ASAP. I guess because I'm a little more confident in myself and my intuition this time.... I really want to know if I'm correct or if I'm crazy!

I told Phil I'd learn and keep it a secret, but we both laughed at that. I can't seem to keep secrets from him well at all. I'm good with like, surprises, but not secrets that he knows I know. Apparently there's something about me being like an open book, and not able to control my outbursts of emotion when I'm excited about something....

So the countdown begins. Ultrasound at 11:10 our time, 8:10 BC time, 9:10 Alberta time, 10:10 Manitoba time, and I'm not sure what time in Japan, but that should cover most of anyone who'd keeping up with this :) (if anyone is)

I'm just so excited!